Gratitude

So for the last few days I have found myself just feeling...so much gratitude for all that I have. I guess that I am superstitious in a way because I almost feel like if I say that I am grateful, I am bringing attention to the fact that I have it so wonderful and it will be taken away. I don't know if that makes any sense.

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Tonight I spoke to a man on the phone who lives in a place that is known in our small city as the dog house. You can guess what type of place this is. This man came home to a room in this building, the place he calls home, to find that it had been broken into. He knew that it had happened within the last hour because he had gone to the store, and when he returned on his bike he said, it was obvious that no one was there. He then went off on a tangent, and I brought him back to where he was by saying, so you came home on your bike...and he responded with "yes mam, I am very poor, its all I have" This man sounded like he was at least in his fifties.

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We then had an officer come in and tell us the happenings of the night because tonight was quite busy, and we wanted the details that you don't get from callers. One of the stories that he told us was about a woman who is only 27 and quite crazy. Literally. Whose grandparents were trying to drag her into the hospital to unload her onto someone else. This kind officer, one of my favorites, told her that she looked quite beautiful tonight (in her aqua green bathrobe and dirty slippers) and asked her if she would speak with him. She had obviously never been treated so well by anyone else and told him that she would do whatever he wanted her to. She then went with him into the hospital and began the first steps in getting some help. She also told him that she was in love with him and she tried to kiss him, but that's another story...the point being, she has no one, and she is un-loved, and its not her fault.

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Tonight we had a young man try to end his life. Something that we deal with often here, but his attempts were of such a serious nature that I began to get curious. When I looked up his drivers license I found that he was only 20 years old. What at that young age, could be so horrible that you would feel the need to end your life? The answer to my question is also given to me by the kinds of things that I know from working here. But in my own life, I cannot comprehend.

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To top it off, thanks a lot Kate, I find a blog that is written by a man whose wife has been diagnosed with cancer. They have a small child, and then had to abort the one she was pregnant with, due to chemotherapy and other things that she couldn't endure while pregnant. He is not handling it well. Its hard to read and to realize what all they have endured so far, but you can't help but read on and cry.

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All of these things are pretty much every day things to me that I usually keep locked away. I don't talk to people about them and I am sorry that I posted what I did, but its really been toned down for the reader. Usually people don't want to hear these things. They don't want to know that they go on, and they shouldn't have to. But I hear these things every day and the job is, you don't let it get to you. We have calluses here and we laugh about things for protection, we don't take this stuff home! Here you can't ask why and its for our own good. We rise to the challenge of getting help there when its needed because someone needs to do it. But for some reason, maybe its the fact that I am a woman, or a mother, or maybe its because I just needed to vent, for once...to someone other than my poor husband...but I can't help but be upset. I can't help but wonder why. I can't help but vent today, and as scared as I am to admit it, because I don't understand why, I can't help but be grateful to my Lord. Because I know what others lives are like. I am kind of comprehending how blessed I really am, but I am definitely not comprehending why.

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I am so grateful for all that I have. I am so grateful for my perfect husband and beautiful children. My beautiful home and...this is embarrasing, for our 6 cars. (that number should be going down soon) I have a job that I love that I could support my family on if I needed to, but I don't have to because I have a healthy strong husband. I have my brain and my body that works perfectly. I have a yard and a piano and I live in a beautiful place. Most of all, I have the gospel and the knowledge of Him. I know that he knows me and that he has blessed my life so much. I guess that I just needed to say thank you, because as angry as my heart is, it is so full.